Why men don’t last longer (guys it’s not your fault!)

I once heard a friend describe female sexuality like this;

‘Imagine that you take a pot of cold water and you put it on the stove.. You turn the heat on. The water begins to warm up… you start to see signs of this warming; tiny little bubbles appear. And after some time, the pot hits boiling point, and then it’s bubbling over. He then went on to say ‘Men, seem to hit boiling point a lot faster. I’m often boiling over before she’s even hit medium heat’

From my work in the field of sexuality, this seems to be a common experience.

In fact, it’s my belief that this very thing is one of the reasons the statistics show that 80% of women are non-orgasmic during intercourse.

I don’t believe in this statistic, I don’t believe that these women are non-orgasmic. There’s many reasons as to why a woman is not experiencing orgasms during sex, and one of them may very well be that she haven’t been given enough time to warm up!

I would like to make an important point here.


This is not about laying guilt, or pointing the finger here. This fast build up of pleasure, peak, and then immediate drop of pleasure is an in-built, ingrained mechanism that, at one point in history, served us well.

This instinct relates to survival psychology. Once upon a time, fast-ejaculating males had more reproductive success than slow-ejaculating males. Millennia ago, our bodies were designed to spread our genes for survival and we were built to be very efficient at doing so.

Additionally, there is a biological imperative that a woman takes longer to orgasm. This mechanism makes it more likely that her lover finishes before her. Think about it; if she came first there would be a chance that sex might end before the man ejaculates, and therefore fertilisation would not be achieved.

So biologically speaking, the only way to make sure the woman does not lose interest and bail on the sex is the ensure that she is unfulfilled until the man has most likely finished.

Doesn’t seem fair does it?

Thankfully, life doesn’t need to look like that. I think it’s safe to say that here in the West, survival mode is now less of the issue, and therefore what we are seeking in relationships has changed and evolved. Studies show that we are now prioritising friendship, love and intimacy from our partners. Never before has there been more importance placed on the love between two people.

But here’s the thing.. Although our relationships have evolved our sexuality doesn’t always reflect this evolution.

Here’s the good news. We have the capacity to develop our sexuality in a way that reflects our new desires and needs in relationship, bringing sexuality up to speed with the intention of love and intimacy, so that it’s more of a match. I like to call it sexual evolution.. We’re not animals anymore, we’re not fighting for survival. It’s time to change that ingrained psychology.

Tantra teaches a man how to increase and extend his pleasure. It teaches how his orgasm and ejaculation can be separated so he can become multi-orgasmic. This extension of time gives him the ability to attune into a woman’s pleasure and allow her body the time it needs. Tantra teaches women how to have many different types of orgasms. Longer, deeper, more fulfilling orgasms. Often women reflect to me that the only type of orgasm they have (if any at all) is a clitoral orgasm, as this is their fastest way to come and is more likely to ensure that they will get an orgasm in, in the time it takes for him to ejaculate.

Tantra changes all of this, allowing for sex to reflect the evolution of our desire for connection, pleasure, intimacy and depth.