Friend: ‘It was the most amazing sex EVER!.’
Me : ‘Why? What made it so good?’
Friend : ‘He was completely present to me. Absolutely committed to presence. It was INCREDIBLE.’
As a sexual educator, I often get asked for techniques on how to be a better lover. People often think I will answer with some fancy trick that can be performed with hands/mouths/genitals. My answer is always the same.
No really. Honestly. I can’t reiterate this enough. I have heard so many stories over the years about what makes good sex and what makes bad sex, and most often this is what it comes down to. Do you want to be an incredible lover? Then trust me, be present to your partner and more than half your job is done.
So what does it mean to be present?
Presence is a state of being when you are fully aware of the present moment. You’re not distracted by the mind or the ego.
You are not doing, you’re simply being. You may be aware of thoughts that come and go, but you don’t entertain those thoughts. In lovemaking, you are completely aware of and present to yourself, your body, and your partner. This state of presence can take you places you’ve never been before.
Tips on how to remain present during sex:
1. Breath – breathing helps to bring you out of your head and into your body. When you’re more present in your own body, you’ll be more present to your partner.
2. Get in the zone – Zero completely in on the body part of your partner that you are touching. Feel how your hands/mouth make contact with their body.
3. Look for the signs – is your partner breathing more heavily, has their skin flushed with heat, are their eyelids fluttering? Respond to your partner, moment to moment. Be aware of them in all that you do.
4. Relax – this is less about performance, more about play.
5. Make Eye Contact – this is a beautiful way to connect back in with your partner, let them know you are still ‘with them’ and create more intimacy.
6. Slow it down – avoid becoming goal-oriented in your love-making. Your partner’s orgasm is not something to be ticked off your To-Do list. Sometimes the most incredible moments in love-making are found in the journey, rather than the destination. Slow it down, give it time, let the energy build.
7. Be no-where else but with your partner. There is nothing more important to think about, no-where more important to be.
And here’s the thing. It’s not just about being present as a giver, but also as a receiver. While making love, if the mind wanders, bring yourself back, over and over. Use a mind message to override the mind chatter. Ask yourself ‘What’s alive in me right now?’ Or ‘What can I feel?’. Zeroing in with complete attention on wherever your partner’s hands are touching can also help bring you into the moment, your body and your partner.
If you want to understand presence more fully (and many other amazing techniques) come join us in the upcoming Sexuality Workshop, coming soon!