Biologically speaking there was once reason to keep sex short – at one point in history, it served us well.
This instinct relates to survival psychology. Fast-ejaculating males had more reproductive success than slow-ejaculating males. A millennia ago, our bodies were designed to spread our genes for survival and we were built to be very efficient at doing so.
So why do we now want longer sex?
In this day and age, things have changed. We have a lot more choice around our sexual experiences; we choose to be in relationships for intimacy and companionship, rather than simply procreation. So it’s time that our sexuality reflected that.
Often women’s bodies take some time to warm up and reach boiling point. Especially if they are to experience the deeper, more intense types of orgasm, such as a cervical, g-spot or energetic orgasms. A longer experience without time-pressure allows for the exploration of these experiences.
Also, something seems to happen around the 40-minute mark of sex. Couples tend to let go of goals, and relax into rhythm. Sex becomes like a moving meditation, barriers drop, masks peel back, tension dissipates. The body has opened, opened, and opened some more. Not only does this allow for more physical pleasure and energy build-up but also a level of intimacy and heart opening.
So how do we slow it down?
1. Avoid becoming goal-oriented in your love-making. Your partner’s orgasm is not something to be ticked off your To-Do list. Sometimes the most incredible moments are found in the journey, rather than the destination. Slow it down, give it time, let the energy build. When you set an intention to have sex for an hour, this inevitably happens, as you know the ‘end’ is further away.
2. Get rid of your recipe. Particularly in long-term relationships, there’s often a routine where couples follow a similar pattern in their love-making. However, familiar positions can make your body anticipate climax and bring on the finale. So doing things differently can help delay the end point, as you’re not following what your body is used to. It will also help you to be more present to the experience, as you don’t know what’s coming next.
3. Stay on the edge. Everyone has an orgasmic point of no return, an ‘ejaculatory inevitability’. The key, is to know what the moment just before that feels like. Edging trains your body to delay the point of no return so you can spend more time riding this plateau and pleasing each other. The edge can still often feel very pleasurable, like a mild form of orgasm in and of itself. Edging is particularly important to help men avoid ejaculation, but also relevant to women who experience explosive clitoral orgasm as a loss of energy or ‘game over’ point in a sex session. Stay around the 60% pleasure zone, and you’ll be more likely to get longevity out of your experience. An added bonus; delaying your climax is likely to make your orgasm even more powerful when it does happen.
4. Take breaks and return to foreplay.
If you feel you’re getting close to ejaculation/explosive orgasm, withdraw, and offer pleasure to your partner. There’s no reason why kissing, tantric massage, manual, and oral stimulation have to go before anything. Returning to foreplay is a good way to make sex less routine and also slow things down. Additionally, 75 percent of women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone, so switching between penetration and additional pleasure activities is more likely to increase the chances of female orgasm.
5. Try different positions. Especially if one position is something that sends you close to that point of no return. Know your weak spots and save them for the end of that hour!
6. Presence. When you are present to the experience, you can read your body and your partner’s body and respond accordingly. So rather than letting your mind drift, bring attention to your partner and the sensations you’re experiencing. When you are present, you become more mindful of getting closer to the point of no return and will know when to switch things up, pause or try a new position. You can find techniques on how to be more present to sex here.
7. Belly Breath. Tension in the body can mean sexual energy remains localised to the genitals, and therefore increases our chances of ejaculation/explosive orgasm. This generally means it’s game-over. When we breathe deeply during sex, so that the breath is bought all the way down to the belly, not only do we relax our body, but we increase energy throughout our entire system. This moves energy around rather than having it remain localised. As a result, we buy ourselves more sex time and can also instigate what the Tantrics call an ‘energetic orgasm’.
8. Do kegels – both men and women!
Strengthening the PC muscle helps control ejaculation/explosive orgasm. The easiest way for you to find this muscle is to stop the flow of pee when you use the bathroom. To do kegels, clench and release the PC muscle repeatedly for ten seconds. Do three sets, with a complete break between sets. Once you’re strengthened these muscles, you can try using them while having sex. If you contract your PC muscle when you’re close to orgasm, generally this will create what the Tantrics call a ‘sublimation of energy’– which basically moves the sexual tension away from the genitals and allows it to spread throughout the entire body. The bonus? Not only does it delay ejaculation/explosive clitoral orgasm, but can also bring on an energetic orgasm.
9. Make longer sex sessions a regular practice. Set aside a sex date – whether it’s once a week or fortnight, where sex is longer. This might mean carving time out of your schedule, getting a babysitter or getting dinner done early, and keeping the TV off. Make it your sex date. Just like any practice, the more you do this, the easier longer sex becomes. And eventually you’ll find it’s less of a practice, and more of a choice.
When longer sex sessions become part of your standard sexual repertoire, you’ll notice a deeper level of intimacy with your partner. You’re also more likely to experience multiple types of orgasm as well as energetic orgasms. It’s likely you’ll try new things and discover parts of yourself and each other you may never have known existed. As a result, sex is likely to become a more well-rounded, deeply fulfilling experience.
Finally, there’s nothing wrong with a quicky, sometimes that exactly what the situation calls forth, or it maybe what you feel like at the time. But it’s always good to have options, and experience the full range of your sexual potential!
To find out more about Tantric Massage, Tantric sublimation techniques, edging practices, multiple types of orgasms and energetic orgasms, join us for the upcoming Sexuality Workshop.
PLEASE NOTE: This workshop will run only twice this year. The next workshop will not be for another 9 months. So now is the time!